this is the supernatural newsletter, yo

No, I do. Stuck right here, in the third circle of Hell.

(One of) Today's highlight(s): Donnie standing in the kitchen telling me that my curtains weren't going to be up much longer because they smelled "like cat piss". Everyone in my house uses that phrase, and I don't know why it bothers me so much. (I say cat pee. *shrug*) Anyway, I don't know if she just means to take them down and wash them, or throw them away. I'm fine with the former; the latter is only going to happen if she's buying me replacement ones.

Anyway. Cats peeing. We didn't realize until AFTER she turned the burner on... one of them (most likely her cat, Skye, because she has major anxiety out here) peed on the big burner on the stove. Right on the element. I've never smelled anything so burning and acrid in my life. I hit the inhaler several times, and then sat with two fingers under my nose. The true highlight of that was that I asked if she could please open the kitchen window, and she said, "then it'll be even hotter in here". While she has the oven on, cooking dinner for her and Megan. Never mind that both me, and Megan, have diagnosed asthma.

Night before last (I think; I lose track) Matthew and Madisyn told me they wanted me to stay with them -- in a different apartment, not this one. They say it would make more sense to stay together to save money for when we move out of state in a couple of years, and separate our households then, as opposed to now. I was telling Donnie that they want the three of us to stay together, and she said "well, that's news to me, a few nights ago when we were smoking, they were talking about how they're tired of living with you and you've said you're tired with living with them". So I called M/M out and told them what Donnie had said, then asked Donnie to come out. Because she's said some things in the past that Madisyn said wasn't true, and I wanted to know who was saying what.

It devolved into such a fucking mess. All I wanted to know was what was the most current feeling and in the end I was accused of "calling everyone out to start drama at 11 o'clock at night" which I hadn't been doing. I just wanted to know. Then, when I was trying to say what she'd said to me, I used the word "miserable" (probably because it's been the word uppermost in my mind for DAYS), and she flipped the fuck out. Flat out yelled at me -- and cussed at me, to boot -- "Don't you FUCKING put WORDS INTO MY MOUTH", and on it went. Matthew stepped in and asked her to calm down. I apologized for saying that, that I wasn't trying to put words into anyone's mouth. What followed after that was about a half hour of me alternately sobbing, and asking Madisyn why she thinks I don't like her. She mentioned how I told her I was jealous of her, and yes, I did say that to her...four years ago. When she first got here, and I'd never really had to share Matthew's time/attention with anyone. Then she brought up how I'd asked her friend Kayla last fall if Madisyn could come to live with her. I said yeah, I'd asked Kayla that, but there was a lot going on at that time, including Matthew jumping back and forth from "I want a divorce from her" to "I love her she's my life"...and it was just an awful time. We talked some about that, and some other stuff, and meanwhile I'm crying and yeah. It was a pretty awful night. I think it was Friday night, actually.

Donnie and Megan are planning to look at a place -- an apartment -- tomorrow afternoon. They want to move in on September first, and Donnie has asked me if I would co-sign on the lease for them. I said I could do that, but now I'm thinking, what happens if they DO default on their rent? My name will (probably) be on Matthew and Madisyn's lease...can I be on their lease as a lessee, but also be a co-signer for someone? Does anyone know the answer to that?

God, this entry got long. Many thanks to anyone who reads it all the way through.

Cross-posted to my Livejournal; read/comment where you will.

So I think I made the decision tonight to give living on my own a shot. I could stay with Matthew and Madisyn/they could stay with me. Po-tay-toh Po-tah-toh. But I think they need a place where they can just be a couple, and I...would like my own place.

I want somewhere where the kitchen is MINE. Where there won't be things put where I don't want them put. Where I'm not afraid of putting something in the wrong place. Where I can just lay my dishes out on a towel to dry, rather than this ridiculous dish rack that goes up over the sink, that I can't reach if I'm sitting down. I don't want to have to share my bathroom. I want to know that my home isn't going to be overwhelmed by the smell of cat pee and cat shit.

I will miss Matthew (he'll still be in Etown; they'll possibly be in the same apartment complex). It'll be hard, and it'll be painful, but I'm really tired of living with other people. With living with THESE people. For example, tonight: Matthew and I were have a minor disagreement about the dishes that need to be washed. All of a sudden Donnie is butting in, all "what's wrong?" When I said it was nothing, she said, "you're lying, what's wrong?" And even though it had nothing to do with her, she wouldn't butt out until I'd said what it was, and then she jumped down Matthew's throat, saying everything I'd just said to him, in almost the exact order. I'm so tired of someone jumping in (usually it's Donnie) to a discussion/argument that's none of their business. I don't have to be a genius to know my opinion wouldn't be welcome if she and Megan were having an argument.

So, yeah. I'd like my own place.

I found an apartment up behind Kroger. All single story, wider doorways, no carpeting, walk-in shower. But. They want $899/mo, and you have to have three times the monthly rent, in income, and I'm nowhere near that. And much as I'd like to, I'd love to say Matthew will cosign, and that he'll pay my rent every month. But that's not fair to him.

The lease for the place we're in isn't up until the end of October. So I have some time to look around -- I will probably have Charis, my Medicaid case worker, help me out with what's available, etc. If I get into low-income housing, I can get it for 30% of my monthly income. Which is $967. So basically about $270. And if I'm careful, I can pay my bills and get groceries, and still have a bit left over.

So fingers crossed for me, please. I'm likely to have a couple of panic attack/meltdowns over this whole affair before it's done. But I do think it would be a good thing for me.

x-posted to my Livejournal. Comment, if you want, wherever is convenient for you :)